Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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