cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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