So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Vodka?
Forever.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
