Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
