Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
