i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
