im drinking this country out of the recession.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
