Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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