Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
