She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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