I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
