Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
