I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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