break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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