at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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