my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
