she takes plan B like it's going out of style
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Every concussion has its silver lining
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
