You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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