so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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