Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
