I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
