Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
