Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
