I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
