First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
