Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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