I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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