fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
