if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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