i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
