you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she smelled like a LAN party
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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