Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
