Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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