Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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