Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
