i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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