Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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