Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
