you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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