Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
