I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
