Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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