You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
