Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
