If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
