I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
