Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
