The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
