i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
