so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
