Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
