somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
