That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
